Software Vault: The Gold Collection/Software Vault - The Gold Collection (American Databankers) (1993).ISO/cdr11/onr2_93.zip/B

Text File | 1993-01-22 | 7KB | 105 lines

Common Birds of Clayton Washington and Points Beyond:

Redball Opticus: This quaint genus of birds possess a wide variety of plumage
and gaits, but possess a common feature in that they all have bloodshot eyes
and short, surly tempers when approached. This bird seems to thrive everywhere
in the known world, preferring to live near small bars and roadhouses, although
they often can be found, in these enlightened times, in jails and
rehabilitation centers. Their primary diet consists of beverages; any kind of
alcohol, including grain, will do. The best time for viewing these birds is
1:45 AM. Although they may be viewed at other times during the day, they are
less approachable, unpredictable and sometimes surly, and should be left to
their own devices. Based upon observation, Redball Opticus mates with a variety
of other birds but seldom is monogamous, often with amusing results.

Politico Dogmaticus and Ex-Politico Dogmaticus: The primary difference between
these two families of birds is that the former possess tremendous power and
attractive plumage, while the latter possess only implied power and may or may
not favor the attire they once had. These birds thrive everywhere in the United
States, but seem to prefer County Seats, State Capitals and Washington, D.C.,
although there are a few Ex-Politico Dogmaticus living in federal prisons.
Their diets may closely resemble that of Redball Opticus, but in reality they
usually prefer eating high on the hog. The best time for viewing these birds is
near election time each year, as the rest of the year they seemingly disappear
behind a bevy of secretary birds (see below). Although purported to be
monogamous, there is a vast quantity of evidence to indicate the contrary.

Heartthrobus Ecologicus: This strange family of birds can be most often found
genuflecting at a statue of a sub-species of Spotted Owl, although nearly any
semi-extinct animal, bird or fish will do. These birds, once limited to the
major Universities and Colleges in the nation, now seemingly thrive anywhere.
Once thought to be benign, pacifistic creatures, it is now known that they are
capable of random acts of violence, such as spiking trees, cutting fish nets or
destroying trap lines. Their diet varies, ranging from the eclectic macrobiotic
meatless diet to the more conventional junk food diet common in American young
people. The mating habits of this species is equally varied, ranging from
abstinence based upon forsaking sex in favor of social causes to non-monogamous
mating in the woods. Bird watchers are advised that if you are unable to locate
this species, locate any threatened or nearly extinct species, threaten it, and
the Heartthrobus Ecologicus will appear, screaming at the top of their lungs.

Prettytitticus: Commonly known as the secretary bird, this endangered species
is disappearing rapidly. Between the speed with which the government writes
legislation on sexual discrimination and the uncontrolled growth of sexually
transmitted diseases, it is felt that these birds will be entirely extinct
within the next decade. These gorgeous birds once thrived in everywhere in the
free world. Their brilliant plumage, joyous cries of "Wherestheparty?" and
mating habits made them a constant source of joy to male birds everywhere. They
were hardly monogamous, although later in life they may have adopted this
lifestyle. They would eat nearly anything, so long as there were it was low in
caloric intake. They seemingly would thrive upon compliments by the male birds,
although overt sexual overtures were frowned upon. According to scientists, by
the year 2000, Prettytitticus' place in the evolutionary chain will have been
overtaken, even overwhelmed by a the species Homosexualis Anomalis, whose
once-limited numbers have expanded tremendously after federal legislation was
enacted protecting them from harm.

Homosexualis Anomalis: This strange species of bird is the only one of its kind
throughout nature, where the species does not reproduce itself. They exist
nearly everywhere in the known world, although are most highly visible in the
upper echelons of corporate society and the U.S. government. Although very
little was known about this species until recently, it was known that they
often preferred living in closets. However, in these enlightened times, they
migrate and reside freely among the general bird population wherever they
reside. Their sexual proclivities are well-documented, having been exhaustively
studied during the 60's and 70's during their emergence as an acknowledged
species. Their primary enemies, Aryanus Redneckus and Holyrollercus Priestly
<see below>, constantly strive to eliminate them, and often attempt to typify
them as a pestilence.

Aryanus Redneckus: Although this strange species has been with mankind nearly
since the beginning, only within the last decade have they truly become a
visible species. They exist nearly everywhere in the world, but particularly
seem to favor anywhere that ignorance breeds. They prefer living in enclaves,
clustered together in culturally isolated groups, and are capable of migrating
great distances to meet with others of their species. Through their ignorance,
they prey constantly on several lesser species, most notably Jewbirds and
Homosexualis Anomalis, and constantly seek to kill them. With the exception of
a sub-species known as the Skinheadicus, they mate for life monogamously. It is
interesting to note that they are one of very few species whose parenting
skills have advanced to such a degree that they foster ignorance in their
offspring, in lieu of learning.

Holyrollercus Priestly: This unctuous species of male-dominated bird, having
risen to great fame, has fallen as of late, on hard times and seems destined
for a slow and uncertain fate. They seemingly thrive on preying on the
weaknesses of other birds, promoting both themselves and their maker as an
absolute means of attaining peace. They are clever about the manner in which
they establish what they insist should be social dictates among the higher
order of birds. They are voluably insistent upon their diametrical opposition
to allowing Homosexualis Anomalis to co- exist with the general population,
while casting a blind eye toward the ongoing sexual misconduct of members of
their own species with various female members, most notably secretary birds.
Although they are purported to mate monogamously for life, there is a vast
amount of evidence to indicate otherwise. In captivity, however, they have been
seen to feign penitence until released.


Dave<<
* Origin:  The Phoenix BBS -Clayton, WA. USA- [phone] (1:346/11)

(C) Copyright 1993 Dave Laird